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VenemousGiant · Dec 23, 2022 1:39 PM

Sorry I’m back again.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I somehow made it to the end of the year even though my health is very bad and I’m very sick.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a great family. It’s… complicated. I am very much treated poorly by them. I was hoping they wouldn’t pull this stuff, but they already are. Once I again, I have to beg to I holiday traditions and carry the weight of organizing them. And once again, I have to devote every second of my birthday to other people.
I’ve never even had a birthday focused on me- not ever- cause I’m the one who shoulders all the family burdens. I do holiday things without help, and I’ve done it since I was tiny.
I have one single rule about holiday things. One. Real trees is my one rule. I hate the plastic ones and real ones are very important to me for religious reasons. But my family has decided to fight me on it- no real tree for me. They said “we get to make the rules about the tree”. A real tree is the only thing I ask for, for a birthday/Yule/Christmas gift every year. I ask for it for my family, cause otherwise we wouldn’t have any holiday decorations. And apparently this year, it’s too much. I apparently dont deserve it.
I have spent this entire year deteriorating rapidly. I had another stroke this year. I can no longer walk. I lost more of my vision. It’s a surprise I’m still alive at this point- and they can’t respect me enough to do the one single thing that I ask for? It just feels really messed up. Like my present- the tree- is for the family, not even just me. Why the heck should I have to do this every year? On top of that, there is always the dread of another year starting that I might not survive, and I have to prepare all over again.
I am so tired of fighting these people about everything. They are unfortunately very vocal about their dislike of me as well, so this isn’t really an isolated thing. I am the family failure, which is why I won’t be even given the courtesy of the one thing I want for my birthday.
I just want a tree. I want some normalcy. But most of all I want to be surrounded by people who actually like me.

Ammit · Dec 23, 2022 3:51 PM

I did a bunch of therapy work last year dealing with medical and family trauma. I had a lot of family issues with the expectation that I was always expected to organize everything even though I had been so sick. One of the most important things I learned in therapy was that I am allowed to say no. I am allowed to simply not devote my precious energy to others if I do not wish to. I can not force others to see me and what I needed but I could put myself first and stop serving others. For the first time this year, I said no to any organizing of any holiday stuff. For me at least it was empowering. I don't know if that is the right choice for you, but I just want you to know, that even if others expect you or even tell you you have to organize holiday stuff for them, you don't. End of story. You don't owe them it.

FollysFantasies · Dec 23, 2022 4:15 PM

I'm just starting my therapy journey, and have much to learn yet. But I do know that what Ammit says is true. You don't owe it to them, and you ARE allowed to say no.
*hugs*

VenemousGiant · Dec 23, 2022 6:29 PM

Thank you Ammit and Follie. I’ve been in therapy for a long time for these things. Unfortunately I was raised by a narcissist, and because I'm sick I had to move back in with her in April because living alone was no longer a possibility. I’ve had a job since age 6, my entire life was serving others. I based pretty much my entire self worth on what I can do for others because of this.. it’s not easy to get out of. Especially not when I’m in a house that I have to do these things or lose my place to live. It’s rough

VenemousGiant · Dec 23, 2022 6:29 PM

My brother did, however, just come home with a tree for me. So there’s that at least!

GeneverGinger · Dec 23, 2022 6:43 PM

Yay for your brother! I'm glad you have someone who supports you. Hugs and sympathy, and I hope the year to come is better.

VenemousGiant · Dec 23, 2022 6:52 PM

Yeah he’s on my side this year, it seems! Maybe it won’t go too horribly from here

Ammit · Dec 24, 2022 5:18 AM

:x

Ktarpey · Dec 25, 2022 8:02 PM

Merry Christmas VG!

I just wanted to add to Ammit and Follie's comment that setting boundaries and saying no to the things that are too much is not only good for your mental health, it's also good for your regular health and ultimately your relationship with your family as well. There is nothing wrong with respectfully saying "what you're asking me to do is not possible for me right now". If you can find a compromise that works for everyone then wonderful, but I consider that going above and beyond. You are not responsible for making everyone else's holiday happen.

FgbcHorses · Dec 25, 2022 9:42 PM

Happy belated birthday again VG. Reading this, and our other discussion…you don’t owe them. You deserve taking care of YOU and not just everyone else. You’re an amazing strong person handling a heck of a lot. And you’re far far from a failure. I’m so glad you got your tree too! Sending you virtual good thoughts, and you know where to find me not around pixel ponies if you need a good vent about the “not dead yet” stuff.

VenemousGiant · Dec 26, 2022 12:20 AM

@Ktarpeythank you! Merry Christmas my friend! It’s very difficult to do, telling people no- because my brain says it’s not a big thing. Identifying it is really difficult especially cause of the type of stroke I had- which impacted that part of my brain! I am getting better at it though, and I’m going to try to force some boundaries in place. I know for sure now I can’t crochet for 15 hours in a row for gifts and wrap 20, haha. I appreciate your support!

@FgbcHorses getting matched with you during this gift exchange was such a blessing. Honestly even when I was shopping for you, I felt less alone just knowing you were having a similar time, even as much as it kicks rocks that it happens. I didn’t realize how hard it was to talk to non horse people about how much I’ve lost! I really love chatting with you. I’ll definitely reach out sometime, please feel free to message me anytime to talk about stuff!

Seaswell · Dec 26, 2022 8:55 AM

Happy birthday dear. I hope something amazing happens for you this week.

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