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Life has gone from bone numbing hard the past couple years, to a short term direction for a school year finishing out a school year with the kid I was forced to leave by believing liars... but now the school year is almost over and life is completely falling apart around my ears, and every attempt I make to find direction seems to just blow up in my face.

I had to move significantly far away from family and non hostile friends to work for this school my school year, at a moments notice when the school district called me up and begged me to return... within 3 days of all things. As I am licensed to be a school teacher, not a paraprofessional, I had been trying to be getting a science teacher job in the location while also trying to weigh things out with a guy who was flirting with me.

Well, about a month ago, with the end of this school year and so any sense of direction, my car died and needed significant repairs to fix. I decided to try to get a different car instead, and it apparently broke a wire and went down on my way back home from buying it.... fast forward to now and my mechanics gave up and referred me to a dealer who won't be able to see it till the middle of next month... I had already given up being here when I couldn't get a new teaching job around here, my current job is pointing out the fact that I am autistic, and instead of pointing out that that might be why autistic students make drastic leaps forward and do better when I am their paraprofessional people are telling me it is unethical for me to be seen in public because adults that are different at all might cause traumatic stress to children even though the children aren't who seem to be having problems with me, and the only reason why I feel they would be changing their stance to me so suddenly like this was bringing up concerns about illegal actions going on in the school district... and without having a car has made me trying to get a job at another random job difficult, and the guy who was flirting with me said he didn't think either of us were ready to try to be considering a relationship... Probably right, but I can't be staying in a place which is so hard on me on a neither of us know what's going on. I decided to move back to my parents, there is a montessori school who eagerly wants me back... But the problem for both of these are I don't have a working car, and the dealership won't even look at the one car till after I am supposed to be working at home again... Now wondering if I should sell the new car to the dealership and get the first car fixed like I should have done originally? Should I wait till the other car can be checked??? I don't know if either car will be able to get me back home when fixed...

And even then I have no clue what to do with my life after that. I can live with my parents and work the entry job I have been working off and on for years... but for how long? To what end? I can look for a teaching job, but wonder now if the reason why nobody is willing to hire me as a science teacher because I am high functioning autistic? Even then, where am I supposed to go? Is there any purpose to life aside from working under the constant rumors and difficulties because I am different with a different viewpoint? I feel like that is a strength... but of coarse that is something anyone else who wants to do whatever unquestioned view as a liability...
At home I can finally be around my two old goats from college and burry holes for them when need be, I have been warned that the younger of the two is going downhill recently. Hopefully I can turn her around. If I can get home soon enough I can start a garden. Maybe I can try to breed goats again. I have the last dueling of one of the old girls and have recently helped my parents acquire a golden gurney buckling I feel would be a good match for her if she stops being unusually small which is making Mom think she probably is unbreedable for my goals of non mini goats.... But garden and breeding goats living at my paren't house seems so pointless and unfulfilling now. What is life supposed to be? Where am I supposed to go? What is the point when the world won't accept me for who I genetically am? Even those who do can be cut off from me without warning by one toxic person, which there are multiples on on earth... I have tried so hard for life.... managed to get a college degree without going into debt even when getting a major concussion when I had had 16 credits including human anatomy and physics and somehow passed it all... For what? How to people survive the after college on their own? How do people get direction? Every attempt I have tried has lead nowhere and I am just spinning my brain to figure out how to get out of this stuck situation I am at.... I don't know how to go forward... Wish I could hope to make friends and some sort of direction wherever I go once I can get a car going... but honestly have little hope for that.