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Being a mom broke me too. It's sooooo f-ing hard. They don't tell you how hard it is. People just don't realize that you are drowning even when you are trying to ask for help. If you are mentally able perhaps to make a social media post just saying "I am mentally breaking and in crisis. I need help." Don't sugar coat it don't ask. Make it clear you need help. But I also understand that may be impossible for you to do right now.

The only support I can give is the promise that it gets easier. Every year they get older it's less horrible, but that first leg sucks really bad. You aren't failing, it's this bad for basically all mothers, people just don't talk about it.

I'm right there with ya hun, my little girl turned 1 on Thanksgiving. Nearly my whole pregnancy, which calling rough was a vast understatement, and all the way up to Sept of this year, my husband worked out of town, only home on weekends, if we were lucky. I had me, myself and I to depend on to tend to every piece of running our farm, taking care of my daughter and her older brother, horses, gardens, everything. My husband would come home tired from work all week and not want to do anything to help. He's slightly more help now that he's home all the time, but mostly it's because I have bat crap crazy moments, for the most part. Hes pretty much an extra kid at times instead of a partner. I hate to ask for help for anything, but there have been times I've taken both the kids to a grandma and been like, here ya go, I'm going to find a way to destress for a while. Even if it's just jumping on the tractor to bush hog, cause that relaxes me. And I'm not proud, but I'll admit I've snapped and yelled at my 5 year old when he didn't deserve it, but it happens when you reach your limit, and I feel really bad about it and try to stop myself from getting to that point now.
Don't be scared to speak up and TELL someone you need a break for a while. This is the hardest damn thing you'll ever do, ever, but it does get easier. Take some you time, even just a long bubble bath, whatever you have to do. Hell, my favorite time of the day is nap time and bed time lol, I'm "off the clock" sort of. Go drop kiddo off with all necessary things and tell em you'll be back later, if that's possible. As far as toting baby around, while doing barn chores, maybe set him/her up close by in a play pen? Plenty of toys and such to keep him/her busy. I try to get my bunch exercised while my daughter takes a nap, I just bring a baby monitor outside and clip it on the fence, volume all the way up, while riding or working my geldings, maybe you could do something like that for barn chores as well.

Big hugs from one of the non-moms on here. I don’t know how y’all do it and I’m awed by y’all. Wish I could give a hand from here...babies are totally not my thing but I could at least bring by dinner for your freezer and take him for the occasional short break as long as you gave me explicit instructions!

Lol, Coppi he sounds like my girl, Riata Rose. She stays busy trying to get into things, which mostly drives me nuts but she's so stinkin cute I can't help but laugh at her antics. She's trying her best to walk, but she overthinks it and winds up back in 4x4 mode before she falls. I'm sorry help is so hard for you to find. I wish I could help you out on that. My maw in law lives in my back yard and she will take the kiddos when I need her to. My son thinks he's supposed to live with her or something lol.
If you have to wind up all over the dairy, maybe try rigging up a wagon with a playpen in it?? Just thinking off the top of my head, we have a small trailer/wagon that hooks up to our mower or 4 wheeler that's about the same size as my girls playpen lol. We usually use it to haul firewood or a few square bales when needed, but if you have something like that on the farm, it likely wouldn't take much rigging to make the playpen stay put in it. Then you could drive to where you need to be at the time, set baby up so you can get chores done, and go to the next place, and save your back at the same time.
Lol, just a funny side story, my husband and I were at Walmart shopping a while ago, and wound up down the bike aisle. Opposite the bikes, they usually have weights and such and he was looking at them. I bet him I could curl the 35lb weight. He surely didn't think so, so he took the bet. Loser cooks supper. I curled it 5x. Told him not to doubt my strength, I tote his chunky daughter around all day every day and put out 100lbs of horse feed daily, not to mention hay. He sure can cook a great steak lol.

Big hugs.

I wish more people talked about how hard the first two years are for a mom. Every kid. Every time. They are just so much work for such cute little beings.

I have absolutely no advice other than to look at battery operated monitors. Those things were around long before wifi, and have a decent range. Walkie talkies work too with a rubber band on their end, if you need more range.

Do you have any other young moms nearby you could trade out kid time with? Even a couple of hours once a week goes a long way, and I can tell you from much experience that multiple kids, even at that age, are easier to care for than just one. They think it's a playdate.

I know covid makes things extra hard, but if they practice similar safety as yourself it might be just what you need.

Huge hugs. I hear you. My kids are grown now, but I was there. My first husband wasn't huge on listening to "I need help". Neither was his family or mine. My son was born two months early, due to me having preeclampsia. (Whole different story, he thankfully was fine.) Unfortunately he had really bad colic because of it. I was up most nights almost all night with him and then had to work all day the next day at the lab. I hated not being able to be at home with him, but I paid our bills while my ex went to grad school. We lived on crockpot meals, my baby slept on my chest on the couch, and loved anything that would vibrate on his tummy. I ended up buying a Mayan sling and strapping him to me to get things done. It saved my back. He rode in it until he was two. (But he was always VERY small. He still wore 18 month clothes at that time.)

My daughter, on the other hand, who was also born early due to preeclampsia, was huge. She grew out of my Baby Bjorn in no time, and I didn't have my Mayan Wrap anymore. But she loved playing in one of those round activity stations. I would bring it into the kitchen with me while I was doing anything (I was thankfully able to stay at home with her for a while before going back to work.). If I worked in the yard, I would use the playpen. Again, we didn't have much help from family. My second husband's family lives in England, and my family lived 8 hours away. We still lived off of crockpot meals for a while. Or pizza. But there is zero shame in that. The easier the meal, the better. I kept a stock of frozen dough (store bought), small potatoes, baby carrots, onions, various meats and beans, and canned tomatoes and veg. They were thrown into the crockpot in various ways, and supper. Soup mixes too. Freezer meals are good too. (Maybe the husband will even give one a go? Wishful thinking?)

Don't be scared to ask for help. Like Ammit said, if you're able, make that post. Let people know where you stand. People don't realize how hard it is those first couple of years.

Remember this:. Laundry doesn't need to be folded. Beds don't have to be perfect. It's okay if you didn't get everything sparkling clean.

Take care of you too. It's important.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling hugs.

I second the playpen, me and my friend would work with our horses while her son played in the playpen with a kitty as a babysitter. Sometimes he’d scream and there was no way we could go calm him down and he just got to cry. He wasn’t damaged by it. When he got a little older they set up a trampoline with a net. We locked him in their with toys a water bottle and sometimes his dog. We would ride and work our four legged youngsters that way. There is nothing like a kid jumping on a trampoline to use as a desensitization tool, lol. I can see myself putting a playpen in an extra stall in the calving barn while I feed and water, that way if I’m out of sight and earshot I know they’d be safe.

I hope you are doing better. We say "It takes a village" all the time, though sometimes it feels like the "village" is down to 2 people. I remember doing stalls with a baby in a front pack... (not mine, I have none, he is my boss's) it's hard! I have been roundly scolded by my chiropractor for carrying the now 3 year old around (he is big, in the 90th percentile for height, and I am small).

I think sometimes people don't realize it is the simplest things that need doing, because your hands are full. Maybe make a task list and ask a couple people to just do one thing, to take it off your plate? It really does show who is and isn't someone to lean on when you reach out for support and no one is getting it.

I'm so glad you were able to find an occasional babysitter. They can be a real lifesaver for the first few years.

@CoppiLane I wish I could hug you! From one mom to another its freaking hard. I have twin 2 year olds and an 8 week old. Postpartum hit hard and fast aided by the fact that it never truly went away. Unfortunately I basically shut down leading my partner to do 90% of the childcare and household chores. They have now put me on antidepressants and we are really hoping that it works. We are in the stage where the girls want to potty train and little man is always hungry. Its really really hard. I hope it gets better for you :x

@Amgr1992
I hear you! I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been going through that, but hope that the antidepressants will help! I’m already on them myself, so when my postpartum hit I didn’t really talk to anyone about it and wound up finding myself resenting both my husband and my baby. I haven’t told anyone about that until now, but I’m sure you understand. Please reach out if you ever need anyone to talk to, I understand completely!

@Ellesmere022
Thank you, that is a really good idea! Unfortunately I’m in a very small area (less than 1500 in my town) so the little mom community around me isn’t very big. Thankfully I was able to find the babysitter, one of my sister in laws offered for a set day, and one of my old co workers/friends is very flexible and willing and able to take him on days that get dropped last minute. I’m very thankful for all their generosity, it just came from unexpected people :)