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Haltanny · Jul 16, 2020 5:38 AM

My mother in law passed away early this morning and i feel nothing. She was a mean, bitter, manipulative, lying old woman that hated me solely because I married her son and tried on multiple occasions to break us up and tried to get us arrested when we moved out of state. I feel bad that I'm not sad...

Maribo · Jul 16, 2020 6:18 AM

You can never be a bad person for feeling something, or not feeling something. You can not control your feelings. You can only control how you act on your feelings. Are you dancing in front of you SO, singing "ding dong the witch is dead"? No? OK, you are fine :x

Haltanny · Jul 16, 2020 7:03 AM

Thank you. I'm not dancing and singing, but i am relieved that she can no longer try to manipulate or guilt us into doing stuff for her. We've had very minimal contact with her for the last 2 years and didn't even know she was ill until the nurses called Tuesday morning. I got an advance on my paycheck, rented a car and drove 6 hours so he could go see her.

FallenShadows714 · Jul 16, 2020 7:50 AM

The fact you did that so your husband could see his mother, even though she was horrible and nasty to you, shows just how good of a person you are. You are 100% entitled to your feelings, they are yours. And as long as Maribo said, you aren’t dancing in joy and singing, then you are fine.

Justa · Jul 16, 2020 3:19 PM

When my father (who sounds a lot like your mother in law plus a tendency to hit people in late life) passed away on my parents' thirtieth anniversary, my mom and I went out for a steak dinner with my brother and sister. My siblings, who had moved away before my dad got so abusive and didn't visit to see him until after Dad was unconscious near the end, didn't understand so mom told them it was because it was his favorite anniversary dinner.

We had steaks on the day he died every year until mom passed away over seven years later. By the last time, she told me she wasn't sure anymore if she was remembering the good times or celebrating that the bad times were over, but that either way it was a good day for her. She thanked me for not trying to make her grieve on that day, and for standing by her and never walking away even when it got bad. She went downhill rapidly about six months later. Alzheimer's and dementia are evil, but my mom was an angel, the song "Supermarket Flowers" could have been written for her.

I think you're fine, Haltanny. :x

PeppermintC · Jul 19, 2020 5:26 AM

You feel what you feel. My uncle, who stalked and sexually harassed me, passed away from a drug OD and I had never slept so well as I did that night. His family was devastated, and still is. I don't talk about the fact I don't miss him. I didn't go to the funeral. I did tell one friend the day I found out he died, and she asked if I needed bailed out of jail. My father and sister (who knew about the stalking) were relieved (he would have been a person of interest had I ever gone missing).

So I get it. I'm not going to grieve him, and I certainly feel safer in this world with him gone. It doesn't make you a bad person, especially since it makes your life much less complicated. Maybe grieve the idea/person they should have been in your life? I think it was Warren Buffet who said he cried when his mother died, not because he was sad to lose her but because it was a waste he had never been able to have a relationship with her due to her abusive nature.

Looper · Jul 19, 2020 12:58 PM

No Haltanny, you are not a bad person. It breaks my heart that she did not choose to love you both in life.

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