HGG Community Forums

I just needed a place to say exactly what the title says and to also just talk, to tell his story, to vent, and yes, maybe cry a little (or a lot) too. To put down in words what I can't always say out loud. This will probably be long, and sad, and I don't expect a lot of people to read it, but I needed a public space to just put this out there and this community is a great one.

Remy is one of two dogs that I own, he and his littermate brother are my Heart and Soul dogs, those once in a lifetime sort of dogs that you feel overwhelming gratitude that you've got the chance to live, grow, learn, and love with them. The type of dog that you know you probably won't be lucky enough to get again and even the mere thought of losing them makes your throat tighten, heart squeeze, and vision blur just a little with tears. I've had dogs my whole life but these two are the first that have been really and truly 100% mine and were my first 'adult life' dogs. These are the dogs that have traveled across the country to live in a completely foreign place. They've hiked trails and explored the rugged terrain of the West, peeked their noses into slot cannons, and have seen some of the most beautiful landscapes on earth. They swam, gotten dirty, chased lizards and rabbits and all manner of critters, explored the desert alongside us on horseback and have, in general, just been the best dogs ever. They've accompanied me on so many journeys and have been there for all my major adult life events so far. I've always joked that Remy and Gambit will never die, that they can't, and they'll live to be at least 20, they are only 8 and 1/2 right now. They are both larger dogs so I know that such a feat is near impossible but I was not prepared for an incidental finding of what is likely cancer during his MRI to see if his intermittent back pain/disc issues might be surgical (fyi that's all fine). It was like a sucker punch and just took my breath away when they called me back into the office after the neurologist had said everything looked pretty good and now the radiologist was standing there. My heart dropped when they told me he found a mass near his adrenal/kidney but part of me immediately went into the 'what can we do to fix it' mode. I work at a referral practice (veterinary medicine) so he was in the best hands as we went from MRI, to xray, to ultrasound, to talking with a surgeon, seeing all the best specialists right away as I was sort of swept along for the ride and ending with a conversation with the oncologist.

At my work, and probably at most veterinary practices, we have a joke or saying that goes something along the lines of this 'It's a staff pet, it's never easy/simple/uncomplicated'. It basically means that if it's something weird that you don't usually see it's going to be something that a staff pet has, our pets seem to never be able to just have something simple or normal. Remy followed this rule as his mass sits in a pretty terrible place surrounded by pretty much all the major vessels and it gets bundles of vessels from some of those major vessels. Surgery would be really risky and the chance of major, possibly fatal, blood loss was a huge concern. Considering that Remy is completely normal and has no symptoms I couldn't put him through a surgery where I might lose him. So we opted to take the wait and see approach with a recheck ultrasound scheduled for a month later. I wanted so bad for this to just be something that was maybe a static thing, not growing or changing, a truly incidental finding that had been there for who knows how long and was just going to continue to sit there nice and quiet for a long time and not affect anything. That never happens. Staff pet, remember?

We rechecked an ultrasound early this week, the good news was that does not appear to have spread to anywhere else, the bad news is that it has grown...by about 10%. I asked what my timeline was, how much time did she think I had with him considering the current growth and what it could possibly be. Months. Probably single digit months, maybe double...if I'm lucky. There is always the risk that this tumor could decide to suddenly grow rapidly, it gets bigger, has more cells to divide...ect. Hard news to swallow when a lifetime together with this dog wouldn't be enough. I'm not the type to sit and do nothing, I like to do something, to feel like I'm doing something, to try anything and everything to make a difference. Surgery and other western type medicine are off the table (can't do chemo without a diagnosis, can't get a diagnosis without surgery) so what else do I have? What alternative things can we do with the assumption of what this tumor might be? Mushrooms, she said. Mushrooms? A specific type and brand to be exact, a very not cheap type. Alright, mushrooms. Cost? Not a factor because I would do anything for this dog for one and also, pet insurance. It might not cover any of these supplements but it covered all his other stuff so all that money I didn't have to pay for his diagnostics I can use on supplements instead. What else can we throw at him? Chinese herb to help with bleeding issues. Okay, I've heard of it and have used it, put that on the list too. So I went home and dropped a nice chunk of money on mushrooms, magic dirt, and some other supplements. I say this all with teasing, as I know people that believe strongly in eastern medicine and I'm all for integrating eastern and western medicine together and, if it doesn't hurt and could possibly help, I'm all about that.

So, now we wait for all the supplements to arrive and Remy will start having A LOT of pills. Most of these capsules, for a dog his size, it's around 6 a day. SIX! That's 18 pills a day (maybe a few more since I may or may not have added some other immune boosters in)! O_O It's totally worth it if it helps him though, even if it just gives him extra time, that's worth it. It's funny...typing this out, talking about everything medically, it makes things easier somehow. Provides a disconnect for me, makes it into a problem that maybe has an answer or at least something to be done about it. I work in a very scientific field with double-blind studies and papers to back up everything we do, or at least a lot of it. I, personally, have worked with and do believe in some of that alternative stuff too, even if it doesn't have papers behind it. Some things simply haven't been researched but there's evidence out there that maybe it does help, and right now that's all I can go on.

Some days are better than others for me, the first week I was pretty messed up about it. Now I'm formulating plans A-Z starting with supplements and ending with a if/when this mass causes bleeding/ruptures we will probably do emergency surgery because if my options are euthanasia or surgery, I have nothing to lose at that point. I'm lucky to have an amazing surgical team, and an amazing team of people in general that I work with, so I've got a lot of support. That helps. But I still sometimes break down and cry and it weighs heavily on my heart, every day. Remy continues to be Remy, he runs after his frisbee or ball in the yard, he goes camping or fishing on the weekends, he maybe gets a few extra treats and gets away with being more naughty than normal but he's my make a wish pup right now, he deserves the extra goodies. So he gets extra snuggles and kisses, is told everyday how loved he is, and I try my best to enjoy each day with him and take advantage of the summer weather for extra outside time, dog parks, hiking, and maybe the occasional ice cream treat.