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HTRanch · Jun 17, 2019 5:47 PM

This week, I finally hit 100k daily bonus. I was just at 50k in February, so I'm proud of how fast it has grown! To celebrate, I am giving away several 100k prizes (The more entries there are, the more prizes there are to be given out!) Every person who enters is also welcome to a free straw from any of my studs excepting Aetherian Grey, who is still a work in progress.

To enter, all you have to do is tell me a funny story. It can be from your life, from someone else's, truth or fiction. Just give me a chuckle!

Link to my studs here:
Man Clan

HTRanch · Jun 17, 2019 6:19 PM

I'll start with a (true) funny story of my own!

This one happened to a friend of mine who lives in Wyoming. At work one day, all of his co-workers kept asking him if he had seen "the egg" yet. Because this friend works at a company that has nothing to do in the slightest with eggs, this was puzzling until he walked into his boss's office. There on her desk was a giant bright green egg, which she explained was an emu egg. This puzzled my friend even further. As mentioned before, the company had nothing to do with eggs, let alone emu eggs! Emus, of course, are not native to Wyoming.

"How did you get this emu egg?" My friend asked.
"My emu laid it for me, of course!" replied his boss.

His boss then went on to explain that a local rancher had suddenly decided that he would like to own several emus. He purchased two breeding pairs off of the black market, as one does, and put them in an enclosure on his ranch. He was satisfied with his black market impulse purchase, and all was going well, until one of the male emus started to get aggressive. Now I don't know if you've seen an emu before, but they are seven-foot tall dinosaur birds with 13 centimeter claws. The rancher decided that the emu had to be put down and brought out his shotgun.

Again, I don't know if you have seen an emu before, but they have really tiny heads on top of a really long skinny neck. The rancher aimed for the emu's head, missed, and blew the bird's beak off instead. And with that, the seven foot tall dinosaur bird with thirteen centimeter claws jumped the fence and went running off into the wilderness of Wyoming.

The runaway emu was eventually reported to the local police department in the tiny town nearby. I imagine the call went something like this:

"911, what is your emergency?"
"Uhm, I'm not sure how to explain..."
"Sir, is this a real emergency?"
"Er... have you ever seen an emu?"

It took the Bureau of Land Management, two local police departments, and the Bureau of Indian Affairs two weeks to corral the 7 foot tall dinosaur bird with thirteen centimeter claws terrorizing the wilderness of Wyoming. Of course, the bird had to be put down when it was recovered, but they were able to trace it to the rancher who lost the emu in the first place, and remove the other three birds from his property.

This was a problem for the Bureau of Land Management, the two local police departments, and the Bureau of Indian Affairs. They couldn't just buy three plane tickets to send these seven foot tall dinosaur birds with thirteen centimeter claws back to Australia! As aforementioned, emus are not native to Wyoming. Eventually, one of the BLM men offered to take the emus in, as he and his wife often rehabilitated wild birds on their property. As every good husband should, he made a call to his wife to make sure he could take them home.

"Hello honey. I have three... um... birds... that need to be rehabilitated, can we take them in?"
"Of course, what kind are they?"
"Uhhhh... you'll see."

His wife (my friend's boss) had rehabilitated many types of birds native to Wyoming. She was expecting her husband to bring home robins, sparrows, or maybe a falcon of some sort. Emus, of course, are not native to Wyoming, and so she was not expecting her husband to come up the driveway hauling a horse trailer. Upon further inspection, she found that the trailer contained three seven foot tall dinosaur birds with thirteen centimeter claws.

But apparently the birds are very happy on this couple's property, and they lay eggs every so often, and she brings them into work sometimes. Even though the company has nothing in the slightest to do with eggs.

Justa · Jun 17, 2019 9:37 PM

:))

I have an emu story too, those birds are evil! They kick like a mule with claws, and they peck and pinch, and they terrify horses, but for a while people in Texas though they'd be the next exotic meat to become big business. Folks were buying them for crazy prices, never wondering why so many were for sale if they were worth so much. After a year or two suddenly nobody would buy them anymore though and then people started putting them in the freezer, giving them away, or just turning them loose.

Which brings us to my emu story. ;) My niece was out riding her nice quiet, calm Quarter pony mare, Cricket, early one Saturday morning when she was about seven while I worked my pony team. My niece got bored with following my wagon on the road so I let her take Cricket off across some unfenced land owned by a family friend. We rode there often and my niece and Cricket both loved to jump over logs and splash in the creek, and after a bit they jumped over a log through a line of weeds and almost landed on an emu.

The bird went berserk, exploding up from a big fluffy puff of feathers to about six feet tall with a screech and lots of flapping stubby wings. The hen started attacking the mare, who promptly lost her little pony mind and bolted for the 'safety' of me and my team with my niece clinging on for dear life and screaming with this giant bird hot on their heels still pecking her and Cricket both.

I was nearby with my team of Haflinger ponies and wagon out on the road and I stopped the team when I heard my niece scream and the emu's first screech. I hollered to my niece to ask what was wrong but she ignored me. I thought she'd found a wild hog until the screaming kept on and the bird screeched again, definitely sounding like a bird. Then I started wondering what in the world my niece had stumbled over, figuring it must be a turkey protecting a nest or something.

My team were as close to bomb proof as any I ever saw, old hats at parades, bands, even hunting and fireworks, but when the screeching and screaming started they had turned to look over their shoulders towards the noise. My niece's pony exploded out of some brush onto the road well behind us a couple minutes later with a demon bird still in hot pursuit, and my team took off like they were sprint horses in a chuck wagon race.

So there we all were, galloping flat-out down the road... Flaxen sorrel matched 12.2 Haffie team pulling a fairly heavy road wagon, me on the seat trying to convince them to 'whoa', my niece's 13 hand sorrel Quarter pony trying to catch us, and the giant bird still behind poor Cricket.

I'm not really sure when the bird stopped chasing us.

Right after Cricket passed the wagon about a quarter mile on I managed to slow my team and then stop them in front of the house of the neighbor who happened to own the land, not to mention several hundred more acres on the other side of the road. Cricket came back when she realized she had left us behind, and while my niece rode (slowly) back to the wagon, the neighbor got up off his porch swing to walk out to the road.

My team, Cricket, my niece, and I were all breathing like we ran a race (we did) and shaking a bit, and he looked us all over, patting one of the team and greeting him, then spat some tobacco juice and finally looked at me as he said, "I'm guessin' y'all met that damn Aussie prairie chicken. Sorry 'bout that. Buddy gave me some and that one got away when I pulled 'em out of the trailer. Can't catch her and the dog is terrified of her, and I can't find her when I got my rifle."

I had barely gotten a look at the bird but it was way too big to be any kind of chicken. "It looked more like an ostrich."

"Nope, it's one of them emu birds," he replied. "Buddy was hatchin' them to sell, but then nobody wanted to buy 'em. He finally gave up on it and gave 'em all away and I took a few for the freezer."

My niece and I looked at each other a moment and then she looked at him and said, "Let us know when she's in the freezer too so it's safe to ride this way again."

The neighbor and I both laughed, and then we talked a bit about other things before my niece and I headed the horses towards home, but my niece and I really didn't go near his place again until the day he called and said his freezer was full and asked if I wanted half of the renegade emu.

We had emu for dinner randomly for months, and my niece would tell the story every time. :D

magesvalley · Jun 17, 2019 9:54 PM

MagesValley, 49176

I am a logical drunk. Remember that. It will be important later.
The Delta Kappa Epsilon (DKE) house is next to the student-run volunteer fire department, and there is some overlap among members. That is also important.

In order to graduate with a degree from my college, you must pass comprehensive exams in your major. Or, both of your majors if you are a double major. Comps happened during one of four "comp periods" throughout second semester. Seniors would routinely murder underclassman that made too much noise in the week leading up to them, and the coffee house would frequently hold extra hours. The Comps themselves were all day tests that would basically cover every class you had taken in your major. Think final exams, but on steroids.

I was a double major. My first "main" comp (Economics) was in the first comp period, the Thursday right after winter break ended. It was nice - come back to school early, study while no one is on campus, know you've passed your comp (and can graduate) before your first last semester papers are due. If you fail, there are 3-4 more comp periods to make it up.

My second major was on Super Saturday, which was the Saturday after spring break. Super Saturday was the comp period for English, French, History, Math, Biology, Russian, Spanish, Philosophy, and Music. Basically 75% of seniors would have a comp on Super Saturday. If you fail, there is only one comp period left for make ups. You can imagine the stress levels on campus the week between spring break and Super Saturday. You can imagine the sheer amount of celebration that happened afterwards.

It is customary for friends and underclassman to "Comp" seniors when they finish their comps. Comping senior involves decorating cars, pranking rooms, and meeting them outside their academic building with copious amounts of alcohol. I had asked to be comped on Super Saturday since I wouldn't have class the next day and the second comp would feel like more of a party than the first. My friend Sansa* (name changed to protect the innocent), who was leading the comping of me, was also on full scholarship and usually had no pocket money. So I gave her the alcohol to comp me with. I gave her a 3/4 full bottle of Malibu. I figured the rest of it could be a gift to her. She got a large water bottle type thing from the dollar store, and used OJ from the dining hall for mixer.

I later (i.e. the next day) found out that she basically put that entire bottle of Malibu in the drink. I hadn't eaten since noon. It was now almost 6 pm.

Needless to say, I got intoxicated really quickly. After hanging out with friends for a while (and getting food too late), a couple of the others wanted to visit DKE. I had zero interest in that, but was deemed too intoxicated to be released into the wild, and was thus dragged along with them. The frat house was loud and crowded and hot, so I stepped outside for fresh air.

Remember the part about the fire station? There was a fire ax laying in the middle of the DKE lawn.

Remember the part about the logical drunk? My next series of thought went roughly as follows:

There's a fire ax laying on the frat house lawn.
That's dangerous with all these drunk people around.
Even if no one picks it up, someone could fall on it and get hurt.
I'm going to move it. I don't want to just leave it laying on the ground. So I'll lean it against the wall of the house. Should be easy to see in the morning.
Wait, I'm drunk. That might concern people.
It's okay, I won't be swinging it or anything. That will prove I'm responsible enough to be carrying it.
This is fine.

*Picks up the ax. Starts moving towards frat house wall.*

Wait, I'm holding an ax. That's so cool!
Who knows when the next time I'll be holding an ax?
Can't imagine that comes up frequently in the business world.
...
I should pose dramatically with it.
It'll be fine, I'm still not swinging it.

So I pose dramatically with the ax, holding it above my head, and probably shouting for emphasis. I didn't hear it, but I'm told that someone in the house shouted, "Holy shit, there's some drunk person with an axe outside!" At this point, Sansa looks around, sees me missing, and (I'm told) said a single four letter word very, very loudly before running outside. I was hustled back to my dorm, where about two gallons of water was poured into me and we discovered that another group of friends had pranked my dorm room. All the while I was indignantly protesting that it was okay because "I wasn't swinging it!"

It comes up every time we get together, and Sansa has sworn that she will find a way to get that engraved on my tombstone if I die first.

magesvalley · Jun 17, 2019 9:57 PM

Man, I wish I had an emu story to add.

I'd like a straw from this guy, please.

uG Tornado Force

HTRanch · Jun 18, 2019 12:13 AM

@Justa those darn Aussie prairie chickens XD My family farm actually used to be an emu farm before we got it. No joke, the formerly unfinished room in our upstairs used to be a hatchery for 50 baby emus!

@magesvalley... ahh, college wouldn't be college without friends threatening to engrave embarrassing memories on tombstones... or just adding another sticky note to the roommate quote wall.

These are fantastic! Keep them coming!

Looper · Jun 18, 2019 12:46 AM

Congrats! :D

Could I get a straw from him?

HT Dogwood

I met the second horse I ever cared about Lucha-style. I didn't get into veterinary school the first go round, so after graduating from my undergrad I enrolled in a technician school in Colorado. My previous experience with horses was a sweet little stock horse near Tamworth, Aussieland and a rescue back home.
For our large animal rotation we visited an equine center to assist with vaccine day. I was not good at catching anybody so they put me on twitch when I wasn't doing skills for my class. We were finishing up with the mixed blood rescues when they brought up this red-brown shaggy short gelding (too tall for a pony) who was already fussy about being caught.

Well they put me on his shoulder and got started with his exam and vaccines. They were trying to do the strangles vaccine and of course he wasn't having it and the lead ended up dropping the rope.
So I'm holding on to him with both hands (I was about 110lb) because the instructor is trying to grab the halter rope again and he's stamping and popping his front in the air and he's picking my up with him and he steps lightly on my toes once (didn't hurt). Probably only lasted about 8-10sec, long enough I had to call out I was tiring, but they finally got the lead and settled him and finished.

We're moving on and talking and the instructor is asking me if I wrestle and I realize this horse is following me! He's just moseying about 10ft behind me and when we're stopped waiting for the next horse to get caught he starts snuffling my hand! He got a little pushy but I figured out he just wanted to get a chin scratch. I almost took him home but I had nothing to give him but that chin scratch. He's holding on to the punch line in all this, probably was the highlight of his week to find a girlfriend for a day that could hold onto him like a tick.

Justa · Jun 18, 2019 1:42 AM

@HTRanch I know, right? Crazy critters! Emu are hard to hatch too unless you have the big automatic incubators that keep the temp and humidity and roll the eggs automatically. I've forgotten the name of the things, but I bought one at a sale once and converted it for ducks and geese. Fed my horses through some lean times selling those babies! :D

@Magesvalley, you were much more fun in school than I was! :))

@Looper I made friends with a few like that too. Lol. Some horses will do anything for a good scritch!

TheBlueMoors · Jun 18, 2019 4:58 PM

I am dying laughing at the emu stories!! I've always wanted some of these "aussie praire chickens" but never realized that they could be that... challenging (or entertaining). :))

This is a bit of a long story but there is some background to the story as well.

I have chickens (gateway animal to having your own farm) and am saving up for my dream farm in a few years (with emus of course). That said, I have 4 chickens in a coop/run in my backyard and they are very friendly and sociable with people. They have been trained to come running to me when I call "peeps" because I usually have yummy snacks to give them. For the average person, it can be a little intimidating to have a flock of chickens picking up their pantaloons and come barreling straight down the yard all BAWK BAWKing and licking their chickeny lips for that fruit in your hands. They are harmless for the most part and obnoxiously loud while begging for treats and have no shame in jumping up and stealing food.

Well, all of them except one. Elna. That damn heifer chicken.

Elna is a silver laced wyandotte. SLW are heavy dual purpose breed so they can produce eggs then later on meat. People say SLW are docile friendly birds, easy to tame and handle. Yeah, well those people have never met Elna.

Elna is vicious plain and simple. I love her to bit and pieces and I think in her own cold dinosaury way, she tolerates me now. She is a true throwback to carnivorous raptors I am telling you. It has taken about 3 years though of working with her so she doesn't attack me anymore. She is the ultimate ambrush predator yall. I don't know how the heck a 8lb black and white thing can sneak up on you in broad daylight but let me tell ya, it is kinda terrifying to have said mini raptor suddenly bum rush you outta no freaking where while emitting this blood curdling EEEYYAAAAHHHAWWWKK screech then trying to flog ya and peel strips of skin off your legs. I love her but she is a special chook that is for sure.

The 60lb dog won't even look this harpy in the eye, that is how terrified she is of Elna. I don't blame her.

What a cow.

Anyway, one day my folks had come in town about a year ago and they love to watch chicken TV (that is, the chickens free ranging, scratching around, and doing chickeny things). They are not entirely familiar with the ways of the chicken and most definitely not with Elna. My mom had let the chickens out to do their thing and my dad had innocently come out onto the deck with a sandwich in his hand with the intention of enjoying a beautiful day with a nice sandwich while watching chicken TV.

Of course within 5 minutes he was being mobbed by chickens who don't know the word NO!

Dad gets a little nervous because well... 3 chickens are all BAWK BAWKing and jumping up and getting all kerfluffled.

He, being the good guy he is, gets soft hearted and decides he'll split a little of the sandwich with his chickeny friends despite being a little afraid of them. He is crouched down so he can toss them bits and pieces and being all proud he is feeding the chickens.

I, meanwhile, am counting said 3 chickens and going :-S "Um.. where is Elna??"

No sooner than I think that, Elna pops her head up from behind my poor Dad's unsuspecting back. He was up on the deck and she was on the ground so all I can see is her little head and her beady glaring eyes but she has ZEROED in on my dad's back. Harpoons armed, all ahead, full alert.

Before I can even begin to say "Watch out for the Cow", Elna makes this.... noise like I don't know how to describe it. I have never heard her make it before and I've never heard her make it again but I guess it could be akin to those velociraptor sounds in the Jurassic movies when they are hunting. She FLIES over the deck and slams into my dad's back while doing her level best to take him down.

Dad of course hops up and takes off for his life while hollering fit to raise the dead. Elna won't let go and she is flapping and carrying on while she goes for the ride of her life. The other chickens have scattered in absolute terror. The sandwich went flying and the dog has fled into the house and I am just standing there with my jaw on the floor because I mean what the bawk? Did I just witness my 8lb chicken trying to take down a 200lb+ man?? This is where the giggling starts.

Elna meanwhile lost her grip and fell off dad who promptly unleashes a string of words that I will not mention here for fear of offending, sprints into the house and slams the door with the final memo "I AM NEVER FEEDING THOSE CHICKENS AGAIN &$#&^)(&#$(*&^"

Elna just looks beyond pleased with herself and trots back to where the sandwich is now in pieces all over the floor and starts helping herself to the ham. I am in tears at this point. My dang cameras were offline otherwise I'd have video of the entire thing.

To this day, my dad refuses to go out in the yard if Elna is loose. He thinks it is funny now and tells the story to anyone who'll listen but he flat out refuses to set foot in the yard if she is out.

TLDR: My bloodthirsty chicken ambushed my dad, made him her (female dog word), and came out at the end eating a ham sandwich.

Justa · Jun 18, 2019 6:49 PM

@TheBlueMoors =)) =D> I just laughed so hard it hurt. Thank you.

I too had a stand-out mean chicken, a huge Rhode Island Red rooster. His name was Chucky and he earned it, but he was too fast for me to catch and too canny to go into the coop with the hens so I could corner him. He ruled the farmyard until he started a fight one day with the wrong horse. Lol

HTRanch · Jun 18, 2019 9:28 PM

@TheBlueMoors speaking of ~~velociraptors~~ chickens, scientists have identified the gene sequence separating chickens and the Tyrannosaurus Rex... don't let those scientists anywhere near Elna!

Islandbreeze · Jun 19, 2019 3:03 AM

Gosh, these bird stories are hilarious!

I had a rooster once (a big ol’ black australorp) that was meaner than a rattlesnake. I had to watch my back every time I went out to feed my birds because he would unleash all fury once he knew my guard was down (he was low man on the totem pole, but all things considered had a decent upbringing and had no reason to take it out on me).

It got bad enough that my other rooster would actually chase him away from me sometimes- or at least stay between him and me- bless his heart.

His spurs could go through my boots (cheap rubber ones that should’ve protected more than they did), and I still have a scar where he spurred me for the last time well over a year ago. Damn bird got my foot infected that time too.

We called him Darth Cluck and he was taken down by firing squad after a very speedy trial after he ran at me one time too many. I wanted to make a pie out of him, but my Grandfather peppered him all over with birdshot so I missed that opportunity.

Also, we recently ran into a lovely reptile on our back porch last night; my sister found a very unhappy timber rattler curled up like he owned the place on her way back inside.

Now, we can take care of your ordinary rat snake, no problem- in fact, I’ve been surprised more often than I would like by them hanging out in the chicken coop after an egg-cellent meal (whoever invented chicken wire needed to make the mesh just a smidge smaller because that stuff doesn’t work to keep them out at all). There’s even a certain pitch we’ve adapted to yelling out “DaaaADD” that means “hey I’ve run into a snake, could you kindly decapitate it for me please?” But we are neither brave enough, nor equipped with the proper tools to take care of a true danger-noodle like this, and clearly we cannot just leave it there.

So Mom remembers seeing someone post on a local Facebook page that they know how to relocate venomous snakes and that they had given out their phone number. Well, the guy is only fifteen minutes away, but doesn’t have access to a vehicle to get to us. So Dad tells him over the phone that he’s too chicken to take care of it himself and offers to go out and pick him up. Dad is gone for about thirty minutes then in comes our knight in shining armor to the rescue.

During all this time it was all we could do to keep my full-of-fire-and-gasoline younger brother inside and not outside trying to kill it. It is sometime around 9 pm. We all make the realization that the danger-noodle is going to have to ride back in our car. Some people are less than thrilled- and a little bit creeped out. It was mentioned that “we should just call an uber and send him back that way,” to which we all busted out laughing because we live in an under 2000 people, single stop-light town and the closest city that *might* have uber as an option is thirty minutes away.

Anyway, the guy was able to safely secure the danger noodle and expressed how grateful he was that we had called him and not tried to kill it (because apparently those suckers are endangered in Texas and therefore illegal to kill), and we very enthusiastically told him how much we appreciated his willingness to come out and deal with it.

TL;DR
I also have a chicken with murderous intent.

We find out for the first (and hopefully last) time that tv/movie sound effects for rattlesnakes are scary accurate.

Justa · Jun 19, 2019 4:20 AM

@Islandbreeze Oh ugh! Only good snake is a dead snake, unless he's solid black. Lol

HTRanch · Jun 19, 2019 11:39 AM

@Islandbreeze those roos can be nasty! their spurs are not to be underestimated!

TheBlueMoors · Jun 19, 2019 12:57 PM

@JustaSaddletramp- Thank you! That story still makes me giggle like a loon every time I tell it.. even just typing it out, I was snickering like crazy. Your Chucky sounds like he was quite the handful too! It still surprises me when people say chooks are stupid sometimes.. like have you not ever met one? Those suckas are smart when it suits them!

@HTRanch =)) That is precisely what I call them! They are my mini raptors and I love telling people they are related to the T-Rex! I actually have implemented a few rules if you want to go visit in their pen 1. if you faint or pass out easily, go with someone who can drag your butt out of the pen 2. if you have a wound on your leg, cover it up 3. NEVER under any circumstances turn your back on the Cow.

Elna is such a pill. I dearly love her and she seems to be slowly mellowing out the older she gets. She actually chirp-greeted me this morning when I went to feed them, toss them their bird seed for the day, and get my daily chickeny snuggles. Here is a picture of the Cow! I hope it works.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/7WxAgnv6ytsgfixS7

Justa · Jun 19, 2019 8:15 PM

@TheBlueMoors Anyone who thinks chickens are stupid never had to try and stop one from doing something it wanted to do. Lol

Elna's a very nice Silver Laced Wyandotte! She's one of the dangerous kind though, all pretty and fluffy-looking with that innocent chicky face. You'd never know to look at her that she thinks she's a velociraptor deep down and wants to eat you for lunch. =))

HTRanch · Jun 21, 2019 10:55 AM

I'll leave this open until tomorrow and give out prizes on Saturday.

FeldingFields · Jun 21, 2019 1:21 PM

Darth Cluck. I love it.

Beadingterri · Jun 21, 2019 4:35 PM

I have a story about people assuming things that the whole family still laughs about.
One day my sister and I had gone to the grocery store. I went on ahead with my youngest daughter and her daughter in a shopping cart. To set the scene, my daughter clearly shows her Hispanic background with her black hair and her beautiful tan skin. My niece on the other hand was pale and had hair so blonde it was almost white.
So as I am pushing the cart into the store with the girls, some strange woman come up to my sister. Now neither one of us had ever seen this woman before. She stops by my sister and says "Well, it's pretty obvious that those 2 kids don't have the same father".
My sister, who was very shocked by the woman's rudeness, turned to her and said "That's ok, because they don't have the same mother either" My sister said she shook her head and walked into the store. I was waiting in the store with the girls and my sister walked in laughing her head off. I asked her what was so funny and she told me what had be said in the parking lot.
As we stood there laughing about the conversation, the woman walked into the store. She took one look at us, turned beet red and went right back out the door.

This story gets told a lot at family get togethers and always brings on laughter because of people assuming they know what situations are.

HTRanch · Jun 21, 2019 4:45 PM

@beadingterri wow... what a comment lol. I know a mother of twins who was asked if her twins had the same father 8-|

HTRanch · Jun 22, 2019 10:02 PM

And the winners are...

@JustaSaddletramp
@Looper

Thank you everyone for the hilarity! These had me in stitches!

Justa · Jun 22, 2019 10:41 PM

Aww! Thank you! :x It was fun to read all the stories and to share my story about the aussie prairie chicken (I have always thought of emus like that since that day! :))) again, I hadn't thought about it in a long time.

Looper · Jun 22, 2019 10:55 PM

Thank you HTRanch! :) :D I loved all the stories too! Kind of glad I've never encountered anything bigger or angrier than a feral cat or a goose though.

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