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Oh, I feel this. I competed heavily through the National level all through high school and college. Then, I graduated college, moved to the other side of the country for work, moved BACK closer to home for a new job, and just finally settled down with my horses in my new home here. All in all I haven't competed in three years and didn't ride at all for almost a year. It was a huge blow to my morale to have something I loved so much and that was such a huge part of my identity not be there anymore.

And even now, things are a lot different than they used to be. I don't have an arena to school in, or a trainer to work with and take me to shows, or parents to help me with show expenses. I ride once a week in my pasture (during the dry months) and am teaching myself to haul a trailer because otherwise, there's no hope of me going anywhere. The nearest competition to me is 3 hours away, compared to 30-40mins before.

All that said... I guess I just wanted you to know you're not alone. Life changes and with it we learn to be adaptable and resilient. I had to come to terms with the fact that competing won't be the same as what it used to be for me. There won't be back to back weekends competing or championships and high points and vying for year end awards. If I'm lucky, I will make it to one or two shows in the next few years. That is so unfathomably different than my old life.

But, at the end of the day, I still have my horses, and every time I get to swing a leg over into the saddle is a gift. Give your horse an extra kiss on the hose and remember that competing isn't everything, even if it is your one true passion in life. Remember that we love competing BECAUSE it gives us a chance to spend time with these amazing animals. I think your idea of timing yourself when you practice is great! You can still watch yourself improve and take pride in that. If you have the opportunity, try to learn how to haul a trailer yourself. It will pay off not only for competing, but also if (god forbid) something ever happens and you need to get your horse to a vet. And borrowing a trailer might be a lot easier than asking to have someone haul for you - you will be borrowing their rig, but not asking them to sacrifice their time.

Above all else, keep your chin up and know that you're not alone. Take pride in what you are able to do, and enjoy every minute with your pony. That's why we do this, after all.