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FollysFantasies · Nov 29, 2023 9:02 AM

Disclosure: This is not a recommendation to "buy this thing." I share these publications only because they helped me, and maybe - just maybe - they'll help someone else too. This post is mostly about a step on my personal journey that has left me in awe and wonder.

The backstory - I'll try to keep it short LOL
It's not ADHD, it's PTSD. Many of the symptoms and barriers are the same for both conditions.
I was tired of being the only person in the house who would do housekeeping chores. I discussed with my wife, several times, my frustration with trying to stay on top of cleaning a house containing three functioning adults by myself with zero assistance. Her response? I was told that everyone in this house is indeed a functioning adult and that they were also capable of mopping floors, etc., and that I should just let it go and quit stressing out about it.
So, I did.
It may not be the worst decision I've ever made, but it certainly comes close.
That was the beginning of 2020, when the lockdown restrictions had just started, and nothing of any actual impact has been done since. My family is content with a much higher level of filth and disarray than I am, and in waiting for someone else to step up the problems became so overwhelming that I became incapable of doing it. And here we are, at the end of 2023.

The Discovery:
At my appointment on Monday, my therapist recommended this book:
How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing, by KC Davis.
I purchased it immediately, and I'm fairly sure this book was written specifically for me.
But I know I'm not the only one who needed to make these discoveries, so on chance that it will help you or someone you know, I'm sharing it with you.

There are a few things that resonate with me strongly enough to mention here.
1) Chores are now care tasks. "Chores are obligations. Care tasks are kindness to self." (p. 27)
2) "Care tasks are morally neutral." (p. 10) If my house is messy or my wife's laundry is not neatly put away, that does not make me lazy, a failure, or a bad person. (I have struggled with this for years far beyond the current dilemma.)
3) Rather than resenting the family for not helping, I can reframe that feeling into one of kindness to my future self. Sweeping the floor means that when I get up to potty in the middle of the night, I don't bring pine needles and leaves back into bed with me. Doing the dishes means that when I want to eat later, the kitchen will be clean enough to prepare food in (I'll absolutely walk away and end up at a drive-thru otherwise).
4) My underwear doesn't need to be folded. Neither do my T-shirts. And hey, it's perfectly OK to live out of the laundry basket. This does not make me a failure!
5) "Good enough is perfect." (p.88)

I talked to my wife this morning as I took her to work and got approval for a new plan. I bought more laundry baskets, and I'm going to move all her clothes into the laundry room, in fabric cube bins. No folding. Work shirts hang on the rod over the dryer. Things will be tucked away as she prefers, she doesn't have to go into our bedroom closet which she dislikes because it's inconvenient, and I can put her laundry away in about 5 minutes and feel like I've done something to care for her. Bonus, things won't have to be washed again because the cats are sleeping on them. The pool table might even be repurposed for playing pool!

I bought some disposable toothbrushes to put on my nightstand because I forget to brush my teeth more often than I remember. No, it's not ideal, but something is always better than nothing.

I haven't been feeling well this week, but I gave myself permission to skip the cardio and dragged myself out to yoga last night anyway; it was worth it. The Tuesday instructor is awesome.

Every time I get on the treadmill or the elliptical for cardio, I give myself permission to stop after 5 minutes. I always manage at least 10 but haven't made it to 15 yet. (Goals.)

If you're still here, I'd like to mention another item that my therapist recommended to me that I have found helpful and use daily. These live on my desk where I can always see them, and when I'm struggling with negative emotions, I shuffle the deck and draw a new one. My personal favorite is taped to the underside of my glass desk. It's a green moose telling me "I know you feel anxious, but you forgot the part where YOU TOTALLY GOT THIS."
Thera-pets: 64 Emotional Support Animal Cards, by Kate Allan

Lallyhop · Nov 29, 2023 9:22 AM

These sound like awesome tips! Thank you for sharing! :x

silverborn · Nov 29, 2023 10:04 AM

This book looks like a wonderful resource! I have some nice spicy trauma about cleaning and always spiral about trying to get the entire task done at once (vacuum the entire house, clean the entire bathroom, wash every dish) and doing it perfectly. I'm going to look at this book and maybe ask for it as a Christmas gift, because there are tasks I need to do that the methods in the book seem like they'd help with.

I'm so glad you figured out some of your brain things and how to work with your brain instead of against it. That's a really tough thing to do, especially when the main challenge started during the pandemic. I know I was stuck in my head way too much during isolation times.

RideOutPro · Nov 29, 2023 10:35 AM

I understand the PTSD I've been my husband's family's cleaning slave for 11 years. They are horribly toxic people who would quite happily live in a dumpster, won't lift a finger to clean themselves or their mess but if I don't clean (because I'm a stay at home mom of 3) I get punished, hit or drama in return.
I clean their whole house, do all their laundry, plus my own and take care of all their animals plus my kids.
The" best" part, I can't work because I've had 2 strokes

FollysFantasies · Nov 29, 2023 11:56 AM

RideOutPro, I'm sorry to hear that your situation is so difficult. It's frustrating when others assume that because you stay home, you have unlimited time to devote to cleaning up after them. We do NOT all have the same 24 hours in our day, and we do NOT all have the same ability level. *hugs*

Ammit · Nov 29, 2023 11:59 AM

I have seen lots of really wonderful reviews about that book.

One of the things we are teaching our kid is that cleaning up our home is something we all share in because it shows respect for each other. It's everyone's job to make our space nice for everyone else. I don't want her to grow to be on either side of these sad stories. :(

Seaswell · Nov 29, 2023 1:48 PM

Love your card recommendation. I might get those.

One thing I've found that makes life easier... I HATE washing dishes. There are only 2 of us in the house right now, so it's not fair if Hunny washes all the dishes. Every time I start the microwave I wash as many dishes as I can do before the timer goes off. Then I quit. Sometimes it's all of them, sometimes it's not, but I'm helping keep our home awesome.

VenemousGiant · Nov 29, 2023 2:02 PM

Sending you all the love my friend. My inbox is always open if you wanna vent or just hang out. I’ve got complex PTSD and understand how rough it can be

RideOutPro · Nov 29, 2023 2:28 PM

I agree with ammit, I've taken this bull hockey and taught my kids that exact thing, it's respect and love to help others nor unnecessarily burden them unfortunately alot of people don't/or wasn't raised with respect or kindness and others have to get the brunt of it....
Folly, yeah it is what it is, my husband is amazing tho and a wonderful dad so it makes the rest worth it he jokingly calls me cinderelly and I just make sheep noises at him because his family uses him to. It's one of those they love the kids so we stay around because their memories with them are important because one day they won't be able to have them around

FollysFantasies · Nov 29, 2023 7:40 PM

@Seaswell - that's a technique the author mentions, and one I use too. If I set water to boil, I work on the dishwasher or hand dishes while it comes to boil. The author's example was baking cookies :)

BoredCowgirl · Nov 30, 2023 5:18 AM

“Bringing pine needles and leaves back to bed with me”… do you live off grid too? Keeping my house clean during the fall and mud season when every trip to the outhouse starts the cycle all over again is a prime source of my seasonal depression.

Ammit · Nov 30, 2023 5:22 AM

I always work on loading or unloading the dishwasher while I make coffee. It makes a huge difference in how nasty the kitchen gets.

FollysFantasies · Nov 30, 2023 7:27 AM

@RideOutPro - please do not feel the need to justify your relationships. I found myself doing just that in a comment that I never posted. And having lost both of my parents, I absolutely understand the motivation behind making the best of that situation. It sounds like you're being mindful of the examples being set and working to combat those as you raise the children, and that's hard to do. Good job! :)

@BoredCowgirl I live in a fairly large city in western Washington, and we have a 7 month old chocolate lab puppy named Bruno. If he doesn't track it in on his paws, his papa tracks it in. Or Bruno hides pine cones or rocks his mouth and brings them in. He now wears a muzzle every time he goes outside after the last round of induced vomiting to clear the rocks. We were worried we were going to have to anesthetize him and scope the rocks out, but the x-rays on Tuesday showed he was clear. /phew!/ We also have four cats whose litter boxes are next to the sliding door, and the path to our bedroom goes right through the mess. I grew up taking frequent trips to my aunt's off-grid cabin, and I can 100% empathize with that floor-cleaning challenge, as well as the outhouse trek.

Ammit · Nov 30, 2023 7:30 AM

That is the most lab story I have ever heard. They really will eat anything!

FollysFantasies · Nov 30, 2023 7:40 AM

Anything, Ammit! I dropped a Command hook on the floor in my office yesterday and didn't pick it up right away. A few minutes later Bruno's papa brought him in to show off his new winter coat, he saw that tiny white hook on the off-white carpet, snatched it up and took off. I saw it happen so we got it back immediately, but dang! And "Drop" or "Give" are absolutely not a part of his vocabulary unless you already have a treat in your hand, so it's prying jaws open and diving in to get whatever it is back.

EasternShowBarn · Nov 30, 2023 10:01 AM

I’ve heard of this book but I think I’ll look into getting it now! I’m like Silverborn, I need to finish everything and it needs to be perfect. I live in a 200yr old house so unfortunately mice and bugs are inevitable if there’s anything for them to get to. I have SO many tasks and SO many things to clean that if I don’t get it done one day then I slump for the next three. If we get visitors I feel like I may vomit if I don’t get everything done that I need done. I try hard to get myself to do just one “big” task a day and do the smaller ones when they come.

nimeay · Dec 1, 2023 10:18 AM

Thank you for this, I was thinking about getting this book and you swayed my opinion. Hopefully, this will continue to help you and that you find peace and joy.

My therapist has also recommended a saying that goes like this: Anything worth doing is worth doing imperfectly. Like you were saying above with the toothbrushing, its better to have the disposable ones and do it 'imperfectly' than not doing it at all. Taking walk around the house is better than not moving at all, even if your goal was to walk down the street.

For cleaning and organizing, I have taught myself to set a small timer. I'm autistic so I tend to look at things and get really, really overwhelmed because I think of each individual step to get them done. So setting the timer lets me say, its ok to stop now even if it isn't done. And 9/10 times, I keep going past the timer because it was just the getting started part that is overwhelming for me.

OldCat · Feb 7, 2024 8:29 AM

I love this conversation and I'm looking for that book.

I have a demanding full time job, a teen son curerntly struggling with identity issues, a college daughter with severe anxiety and a spouse who has had two major brain injuries (he can't read, write, speak, drive or work among other things but he is mobile) whom I have been caring for, for 12 years (not that it is appreciated or recognized). I got tied up with a scammer last year (while my husband was hospitalized for 9 months). I have anxiety, depression and PTSD from my spouse hitting me with wrenches, brooms etc (past incest and past rapes).

We live on a hobby farm with a constantly in need of repari 200 yr old house with (not as many animals as I used to have - at least)

I start work at 6 am most days leave at 4 run errands after work, then cook supper then do renos and chores etc.

MY BFF is always reminding me to love myself as I currently do a lot of volunteer work, eat too much and drink too much wine.

I don't see a therapist (always quit after a couple sessions) because they make me feel weak and I can't feel weak. I can't tear the walls down that is all that holds me together.

Sorry for the rant, most of this I have never told anyone! The people in this game are so welcoming and awesome you make me feel like I can say it.

Sorry for highjacking your chat.

RideOutPro · Feb 8, 2024 9:58 PM

@OldCat thank you for sharing! You'd be surprised how many people have similar experiences such as yours! It's hard to deal with even harder to be venerable especially in therapy, you have had to be strong so long it's daunting to be "weak" even for a minute because the "what if I can't be strong again after" starts eating your brain.
I was SA at 13 for 2 years,
Then at 16-17 1/2 years old I took care of my father, he had 7 strokes in a span of 3 months. He couldn't talk right afterwards but his brain was still there most days thankfully, but he forgot everyone but me when it happened so he was combative and dangerous to the rest of the family especially strangers.
By the time I was 17 I realized something was wrong,
I couldn't pay my bills, nor pay my property taxes? So I made some calls and found out that in one day my life as I knew it was over.
My unkles had ganged together, sold my property, my house, my truck, and all 47 of my horses 23 of them were pure Egyptian arabian with papers and some in foal. By the end of the week I was homeless, and they shipped my dad 3 hours away.
All of this trauma I suffered really made me have to be strong, Taking care of him and everything by myself made me strong, besides who could understand? Kids at that age had little responsibilities and I was still considered a child to adults.
I went to therapy for 3 years and it did absolutely no good.
My husband has helped me heal as well as my bff
I'm still mentally holding the wall but I know when I need to drain some of the pressure off I have them to be there..... also YOU DO need time for yourself, if you over stretch yourself it makes the brain work harder

ImagineThat1 · Feb 20, 2024 6:11 PM

Thank you all for sharing.. I need to get this book… chock full of traumas and it my Husband ( who just told me he isn’t sure he wants to be married anymore) and Adult stepson ( in college but doesn’t work) help with chores and treat me like I am their personal maid.

FollysFantasies · Feb 21, 2024 6:26 AM

@OldCat
@RideOutPro
@ImagineThat1

Sending virtual hugs and strength to all of you.
I'm glad you were finally able to get some of that off your chest, OldCat. You can use this post or the saddle sisterhood at any time to say the things you need to say that can't be said to anyone else.
Perhaps I shouldn't speak for everyone, but we are here to listen (at the least), and sometimes an ear is all we need.

@};-

OldCat · Feb 27, 2024 6:03 PM

I met the DA and police today and they caught the *(&*&9 who defrauded me. He defrauded at least 8 people in the US and Canada, The US hasn't finished their prosecution yet but he'll be in jail for a year then shipped home to Benin. They were able to recover some (not all) of my money. They were also able to deport several of his accomplices too.

Seaswell · Feb 28, 2024 9:11 AM

I love good news updates.

FollysFantasies · Mar 6, 2024 7:43 AM

So do I! Great to hear.

OldCat · Mar 7, 2024 5:51 PM

So I watched him get sentenced in court today via live stream. It was all in French and my French is ok but I am not bilingual. I wanted to see if there was any remorse in his face. I was the only vic that submitted a vic statement and when they read it, he did look a little bit uncomfortable (not enough). I think with my limited French that the judge ruled to increase the amount of damages I will receive. My name came up a lot during the ruling far more than any other victim, which I think bodes well for me.
and I start therapy next Friday. I think it will do me in but I think it's time to try.

FollysFantasies · Mar 7, 2024 6:14 PM

Therapy can be a bear, but I'm finding it is absolutely worth the work. I'm glad the ruling went in your favor, even if it isn't enough to compensate you.

Duven · Mar 8, 2024 2:12 PM

You can do it! Will it hurt and be a challenge? Sure will. But you will come through on the other side.

I'm glad you've have some closure with the case and you were brave enough to submit your statement. I hope you'll get compensated too.

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