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This is gonna be a jumbled word vomit mess so if you read the whole thing, you deserve a gold sticky star.

Recently, I have been not ok. Mentally. It has just been getting worse. I am struggling and I don't know what to do. I have Generalized Anxiety and Panic Disorder and both have reached an all time high. I feel like a failure. I am more depressed than ever. The car I just bought with my literal life savings (life insurance loan) I now cant drive because it needs so many repairs that weren't prevalent when I paid for it. My boyfriend is the one repairing it AND footing the bill for all the parts. I just started a part time job that I used to have (closed due to covid in 2020 and just reopened under new ownership) but it's SUPER part time and I barely make anything. But its the only job I have ever loved and can actually work with out having a panic attack. I desperately need a full time job but I just cannot make it work. Even sitting down and LOOKING for one gives me mild anxiety attacks. But I literally only have $0.17 in my account and just yesterday I had a $3 google storage payment decline because of it. THREE FREAKING DOLLARS! Not to mention I still have to pay for my car insurance on a car I can't drive and my loan payment both due next week. Also, my boyfriend and I are in the process of moving into the house next door (currently living in a tiny little out building behind his dads house). Rent is going from $250 to $2000 as soon as we move in officially. Ideally I am supposed to be responsible for half rent. My boyfriend keeps telling me its fine, he can cover it for a while, everything will work out etc but it makes me feel worse. I now have to also pay $200/month to board my horse for a few months until we can get something set up at the new place. She was originally staying at my dads for no fee but the ground was just awful so she needed to move before it froze. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could find a remote/work from home job that didn't require any special skills or training because the only degree I have is in Equine Studies. No one around me seems to understand how hard I am trying. I know it doesn't seem like it but I really truly am :( I feel like I am just the biggest disappointment to everyone around me. I WANT to work. I WANT to have a job that I can sustain myself with and to help with our joint living expenses. I want to be able to pay for shows next year myself (if I don't get to do those shows next year, that will be my breaking point. It's all I have ever wanted). No one, especially my boyfriend's family, understands what it's like for me. His grandma on his dads side literally told me straight up "Oh well you need to get over that" when I said I have bad anxiety as a reason for struggling to find work. And on top of everything else, I have been dealing with some unexplained health issues that, of course, the doctors can't figure out, again, and I lose my medical insurance next month. I am just so lost and so desperate to be normal. I just don't know what to do anymore.

If you read all that, here is your gold sticky star:
(*)

Thank you for reading :x This community is one of the only ones I feel comfortable and safe in.