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When I was eleven, I had to put my dog down. Happy had been by my side since I was 18 months old, and losing him left me feeling so lost. It took nearly two years before I was ready to even think about a new pet. Then one day, I was at the park swinging, when I saw a feral mama cat and her kittens. I'd seen them around a couple times and liked to watch them play, but that day I saw the only black kitten stumble away from its family and fall into the road. I ran over to help it, but by the time I got to the road the kitten had gotten up and walked across to reach the grassy area I was then standing in. With no fear, this tiny kitten walked up to me, flopped on my foot, looked up into my eyes and meowed.

And that's how Siri came into my life.

I had never had a cat before, so Siri taught me everything I know. She loved to play soccer with jingle balls and would always try to steal my strawberry milk. We used to sing the meowmix song together, and she was obsessed with green socks and flip-flops, to the point that wearing them was dangerous. Even though she was born black, as she got bigger her color faded in and she became this absolutely gorgeous tortoiseshell cat with a bright gold stripe going straight down her nose. I named her after a Jedi because I am a huge geek, but she picked the name Empress after hissing when I called her Princess. She picked a lot of her own stuff. Her own room (the laundry room where the sun always shown and fresh laundry was easily accessible), her own harness and leash (I still haven't found the pink one she hid), her own toys (some of which were even meant to be cat toys)...she was a very opinionated cat.

When I enlisted in the military, my mother would write me letters from Siri, and told me many times that she would ask Siri if she had anything to tell me, and she always purred at my name. I lost count of how many phone calls she interrupted when she heard my voice. When I came home, she was always the first to greet me, and would stay glued to my side in that way a cat does when trying to act like they actually don't care that they happen to be in the same room as you. And when I left for college, she did the same thing. Wrote me letters, interrupted phone calls, and always stayed by my side when I was home.

Siri got me through panic attacks by purring so loud her entire body shook. She woke me from nightmares, then snuggled me back to dreams. When I got trapped in depressive cycles, she would seek me out and force me to play until I laughed again. Nine separate times I had the gun or the pills or the plan to run my car off a cliff, and I stopped because who would take care of Siri if I died? How long would she wait at the door until she understood that I wasn't coming back? So I always came back. For her. No one else. I had no one else to come back to.

Early June of 2018, Siri stopped eating. She'd been slowing down for months, but she was fifteen. An old cat that deserved to take it easy, so I didn't worry until her food was left untouched for days. I took her to the vets, and after some tests they told me that she had kidney disease. The only chance she had was daily subcutaneous fluids to help keep everything flushed and healthy. I have a phobia of needles; I pass out when I handle them just as much as I do when they are used on me. But I gave my cat fluid through a needle every damn day for two weeks because I needed her. To recover. To live. To not leave me alone. But after two weeks with no improvement, I knew.

I had to let her go.

Before the vet gave her the injections, Siri was in my lap. She was grumpy because they had shaved part of her leg to put in the catheter. I was trying so hard not to cry so I didn't stress her out in her final minutes, but she knew. She always knew. She looked up at me, stretched up, and pressed her nose against my lips in a kiss. She loved giving me kisses. No other cat ever did, but she kissed me every chance she got, unless I had just trimmed her claws. And in her final minutes, she kissed me.

I was holding her when she got the shot. I felt when her heart stopped. And when the vet said she was gone, I ran. I couldn't be with the body anymore and I ran. I'm still not sure if I've forgiven myself for that or not.

The day of her death, I had gotten a Yule Log HH, and I had named it after her. I later added Onyx, because the colors and marking were so similar to hers. But the pain was still so raw, I could barely look at it. I lost my way for a long time. I stopped...a lot of things. Living beyond breathing, mostly. It was like I went through life as a robot. There was no one waiting for me at home...so it stopped being home. Just a room with a bed and a human that could barely get up every morning. Sometimes I'd open the memorial mare's page and just cry over it. Sometimes I couldn't stand being on the same game as her. But good or bad, she was always there, just like Siri.

Now she's gone...just like Siri.

I know I shouldn't be this upset. She was just data. Code on the internet to make a pretty picture. And thanks to Kismet, Ren, and many others, I have over 102 Empress Siri foals and Empress Siri the Second. But she was all I had left of the cat that had changed my life. Good or bad, she was there. I could look at her and feel like a tiny seed of Siri was still with me, because she had that little bit in her. And now she's gone, and I'm bawling like a baby. And I don't know how to stop.

If you've read this far...I'm not sure what to tell you. I'm not super popular on this game; don't really have anyone I would call a friend. It's just not my way to have human friends, I guess. But I didn't know how else to get all these emotions out of my mind other than to write them down. And...I guess I wanted at least one other person to know why I'm hurting. So I may not be on very much for a while. Not that anyone would miss me. But if you needed to contact me or wanted something from my horses, you'll have to send a PM so I get the email, because other than showing for points and one day of breeding per month, I won't be around much. I've just...gotta find my way again, I guess.

Goodbye, Siri. May the Force be with you.


MSB Empress Siri