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DoubleMash2 · Nov 7, 2019 8:06 PM

Hi all.
A little about myself first. I am 51, with two grown children. 1 daughter who lives on the other side of the country *(Canada), and my other child who is transgender (F/M, and I am am working on this one, but not my main issue). I am divorced from my children's father.

I'm reaching out today to let you get to know me a little better, and also to look for support as I start the path on a new road...maybe. Not intending to be cryptic, but I have been with my "Mr." for 11 years (common law, but I use his last name). I love him for everything he is and does, except one MAJOR issue. I have been willing to overlook this major issue but as of late, it has become more and more of a problem where now it's affecting my health and happiness. THE PROBLEM: "Mr." has two grown children as well. One son (Not the problem - this kid is amazing) has gone to University, achieved success with his degree in mechanical engineering, and moved away to be a successfully employed independent adult. Something which we hope for with all our children, right? Then there is the other OLDER son. He is 29, a drug addict and alcoholic, more or less unemployed (his dad lets him work for him) and still living with his dad/us. I moved in 6 years ago, before this piece of work was a real problem.(I have some very colourful language I use to describe him, but for the sake of keeping this PG, I won't use it here). Currently, his dad is overseas for work and comes home late tomorrow, and I am maxed out with patience. I could write for hours for all my frustration with this situation, but instead, I think I have finally decided to just call it quits instead. I love my "Mr." but I can't do this anymore. Some background on him (my man), he is introverted, humble, incredibly intelligent, kind as the day is long (aka a bit of a pushover for those he loves), but does not like to be told what to do, and loathes confrontation about as much as I do. He is aware that I do not like his son at all, and wants me to keep trying to make this work, as he hopes his son will see the light of day even with his many issues, and will just simply move out. I'm pretty sure this is never going to happen, because his dad provides pretty much everything for a cushy lifestyle. More in depth, my man lost his only sibling (a sister) the year we started dating to alcohol abuse. Assuredly, he does not want the same for his son. His son refuses any counselling, and my man refuses to implement any consequences for actions (the pushover part of him). There are so many things I would do different if he were my son...and I have dealt with drug abuse and assault from my eldest child. We had some rough years, including 2 years where she did not speak to me, but we have since healed. She came to recognize her issues and we have a good relationship now. If the a$$hat were my son, he would be required to be in counselling, or he would not be allowed to live under my roof; and as scary as it is, tough love is the only way to deal with people like him, and given his issues, he may not survive....but it's not my fault, nor his dad's except that his dad is completely enabling him. Thanks for listening, and sorry for the long rant.

Cheers · Nov 7, 2019 8:51 PM

First off, big hugs.

Second, will your Mr accept counseling for himself, Addict support groups for family members, any sort of help with dealing with his son? Is he in denial of the issue or is he ignoring it hoping it will go away on its own? Does he sometimes set but never enforce boundaries? Or does he never set them? And whether he will seek help or not, are you able to get help and support for yourself in this very difficult situation?

Third, I think you are right that unless the child is somehow scared straight, nothing will change. I hate this for your Mr but you have your own children and health to take care of. If, after several years, there has been no resolution then I think you would not be out of line to demand some sort of change. Perhaps counseling for you and your Mr as you approach this very difficult hurdle head on rather than sidling around it? It seems like you love him very much...I would hate for you to simply throw it away rather than trying one more time...

Fourth, all of this is assuming you still feel safe in your home. If you don’t feel physically safe, please take care of yourself first and deal with the emotional fall out from a safer place....

DoubleMash2 · Nov 7, 2019 9:03 PM

Thanks Cheers - this whole situation is driving me to absolute heartbreak. I requested counselling a couple years ago, and he refused, saying it would never work for him. And he doesn't set boundaries, as he tried it for a little bit, and then didn't have the kahunas to enforce (because he's too gentle). He has stated he wants his son to move out, but truly believes his son will get there on his own. I do not believe he will. Your fourth point - I feel safe physically, but regrettably my own mental health is at risk, and for that, I feel I should leave.

SummertreeFarms · Nov 8, 2019 12:54 AM

Where is the boys mother in all this?

Seaswell · Nov 8, 2019 1:54 AM

Hugs.

It sounds like you are ready to set some healthy boundaries, and for that I applaud you.

For as much as your step son is the aggravation, you need to have a conversation with your partner. If he's not willing to at least work on the rift this is causing between you, it's ok to call it quits. You have to take care of yourself before you can do other relationships.

You can only do so much enabling before you literally start helping an addict kill themselves. I pray you have strength while you figure this out.

DoubleMash2 · Nov 8, 2019 4:25 AM

@ConfluenceFarms
Ahhhhhh. More complications to a very complex situation. His mom is a whole two city blocks from us, but when my man and his ex split, she ,in FRONT OF the boys who were 16 and 14 at the time wanted to split them up, wanting the " good" son, and the one with the problems (guess he's been having trouble for awhile) his dad was to take. It devastated the "kid" to hear that, and his dad has been overcompensating ever since.

DoubleMash2 · Nov 8, 2019 4:28 AM

@Seaswell
Thank you
I do realize this, and there has been a few conversations about it, but no resolution. I am hoping sometime over the weekend there will be both a conversation AND resolution and hopefully it's a plan for kid's exit.

pfrsue · Nov 16, 2019 5:15 PM

I'm just seeing this, but thought I'd respond.

You and I are the same age, by the way! :)

One thing I’ve come to understand over the years is that when you set a ‘choose your child or me’ condition in a relationship, the child almost always wins. No matter how old and/or dysfunctional a child is, the parent will always be a parent first. We’re just wired that way.

Even if you do manage to oust the kid on your terms, there’s a high probability that the resentment between you and Mr. will continue to fester and poison your relationship.

Having said that, the hard truth is this: if the drug addiction and alcoholism continue to go unchecked, there will be consequences. Maybe with law enforcement and the courts intervening. Maybe with serious health issues. Maybe with tragedy. Somewhere down the line, there will be consequences. Take it to the bank. (If Mr. can’t recognize that, or doesn’t want to hear about your experiences with your own child, you can always try presenting him with the statistics.)

Regardless, none of this means that you should sacrifice your own stability or peace of mind. It certainly doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t set boundaries for what you will and won’t tolerate.

If neither of them will go to counseling, you should go alone. If nothing else, you can get some clarity from a professional and figure out where to go from here. There are also support groups for parents of addicts. See if there are any in your area. See what resources or advice they can provide.

I wish the best for all of you.

Maribo · Nov 16, 2019 5:25 PM

I have not read the other answers, but my suggestion would be to move out. I would not think you would have to break up with your Mr, but simply taking a step back. You can not ask a father to choose you over his son, but YOU can choose your own mental health over him.

HTRanch · Nov 17, 2019 7:19 AM

Situations like these are so hard. On the one hand, parents will always feel the need to provide for and protect their kids. On the other hand, substance abuse left unchecked only leads to horrible pain for everyone involved. Take care of yourself, whatever that means to you.

I don't have nearly the life experience that you have, but I do have experience going to a counselor with my Mr (who I am not yet married to). This was really helpful for us because neither of us had to be the "bad guy", the counselor asked the hard questions and we figured out how to solve them together. You mentioned that both of you avoid conflict, and I found that going to counselling actually removed a lot of the conflict because of the third party involved. That said, sticking with it still took a lot of humility, hard changes, and love and grace above all.

It sounds like you really love your Mr. and like he loves you as well. I'll be praying for peaceful resolution!

DoubleMash2 · Nov 17, 2019 4:32 PM

@pfrsue, @Maribo, @HTRanch
Thank you all for your advice. Currently, I find myself knowing what I have to do, and yet I cannot. Yes, I love this man deeply, and at the same time resent him for the situation he continues to support. I will close this discussion for now, and hopefully I can find the strength to follow through with at least a conversation and a conclusion.
Thank you all for listening.

DoubleMash2 · Oct 7, 2020 8:20 AM

Update to all who see this; It is with heavy sorrow that despite everything his dad did for him, including move him out and get him on his own, my husband's eldest son did not thrive and passed on October 4 due to severe alcohol abuse. I feel deep regret and remorse, and my husband is devastated.

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